


So Be It

by lastgoldsun



Series: The Shadow of a Moment [3]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, POV Second Person, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 20:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9921779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastgoldsun/pseuds/lastgoldsun
Summary: You catch sight of yourself in the mirror and stare into your own eyes. You remind yourself that you're here, not there. You're at your wedding and you've just married the man you love more than you've loved anything in your life before. More than you thought was possible. And you're happy. And you're loved. And that doesn't make you a disappointment.You're not a disappointment, because despite everything, despite all the hurt and the bitterness and your own stupid mistakes, you're still here.Robert begins to let go.





	

Today feels like the final breath of a prayer. An amen. 

You busied yourself all morning, burying yourself in the guest list and the impromptu decorations and a menu cobbled together at the last minute. You don't really think about what's happening. Not until you're stood in front of the mirror with your tie in hand, trying to remember the simple steps which are usually as second nature as breathing. You look at yourself a lot. It's a vanity thing, you like to think. Not a way of anchoring yourself. Not a way of saying _this is who I am. This is where I am. I am here in this moment and nowhere else. No matter how I feel._  

It's not that. That would be crazy. 

You breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. You remind yourself again why you're doing this. Because you love him. _God,_ you love him so much. You're no longer governed by fear. You wouldn't be here if you were. You're still scared. Of course you are. After everything, how couldn't you be? But love is stronger. 

You tell yourself that over and over as you fumble with your tie.  

_Love is stronger. Love is stronger. Love is stronger._  

Your breath has been hitching all day. It's not because you're going to cry. Crying means slowing down and you haven't had the chance. It's like hiccups. Emotional hiccups. Tripping over your own emotions because you didn't realise you could be this happy. You tried to find it. You looked in all the wrong places. Money and bottles and between the legs of strangers. The last place you expected to find it was here. With him. Sometimes it doesn't feel real. It just feels impossible. 

When you slip away to say your vows, there's a tiny part of you that feels like you've failed, as if by saying these most sacred words in private you're running from yourself again, hiding a huge part of your identity away in dingy corners. But then you look at him and he looks at you and suddenly the world could crumble around you and you wouldn't care. Let it all turn to dust. You have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. 

 

_If your dad could see you today..._  

You knew it was coming. Of course you did. But when she says it everything seems to grind to a halt. The world around you moves in slow motion while your heart stutters and starts to beat so fast you that you can hear it in your ears. If he could see you know. If he could see you now he wouldn't be able to look you in the eye. If he could see you now he'd be more disappointed than ever. If he could see you now he'd raise his fist and... 

_Oh, Diane, you haven't got a drink, come on. No good, is it?_

For a second you think you're actually going to cry. He didn't even hesitate, barely even looked at you before stepping in, stopping in its tracks a conversation that could have sent you spiraling. You were dangling from a cliff, your toes brushing memories that could easily drown you. But he pulled you back. You're shaking. You're breathless. Beaten senseless by the wind, but safe. At least for now. 

 

You have no idea who put together the playlist for the reception, but you've never heard so much cheesy pop music in your life. It's nice though. Fun. Senseless. Good to dance to while your head is still buzzing from downing that damned welly. You're on the dance floor with Vic when the music changes, the pair of you dizzied and giggly after performing a full song-and-dance routine to 'Come On Eileen' while your respective spouses watched on in a mixture of chagrin and amusement. You recognise the guitar riff and suddenly your breath comes short. You tell Vic you're going to the toilet, trying to keep your voice as steady and upbeat as possible and try your best to walk, not run, out of the room. You tumble through the door just as the vocals start. 

_How many special people change?_  

_How many lives that live are strange?_  

_Where were you when we were getting high?_  

It's his favourite song. Was his favourite song. You have no idea who he is now. He might hate this song because you know you do. It was the song you were listening to when you were sat together in your bedroom. When you lent in. When he kissed you. When your dad caught you together. Your breath hitches again and you stumble into the men’s toilets, almost falling and gripping the closest sink to stop you from toppling over. You didn't love him. You didn't know him well enough to love him. But you cared for him and he made you feel…something. Something that you hadn't felt before. And then you acted on it and the world ended. 

You catch sight of yourself in the mirror and stare into your own eyes. You remind yourself that you're here, not there. You're at your wedding and you've just married the man you love more than you've loved anything in your life before. More than you thought was possible. And you're happy. And you're loved. And that doesn't make you a disappointment. 

You're not a disappointment, because despite everything, despite all the hurt and the bitterness and your own stupid mistakes, you're still here. 

 

_It might be better if you told them_. 

You almost brush his comment off, because you don't think it's worth breaking hearts over. Your dad hurt you, sure, but he didn't hurt Vic. He didn't hurt Diane. By telling them you'd only be hurting them too. They don't deserve that, they're good people. 

But did you deserve it? 

You were a child. A child who'd just lost his mother. A child who felt isolated. A child who was just starting to explore who he was only to have it met with rejection and violence. You tell yourself that it's fine, that it doesn't hurt you anymore. But it does. You can deny it all you want but something happened to you that day beyond the bruises and the split lip. Everything was suddenly too much, like the pressure in your ears had burst and everything was so much louder. The highs became too high, dazzlingly so. Happiness and excitement and anger would blur into one and just become a crashing wave of indescribable feeling. Sometimes you'd ride it, but often you'd be pulled under and find yourself washed up on an unfamiliar shore wondering how the hell you got there. Then you'd crash down to a low that was far too low, a darkness inside you that threatened to engulf not just you but everyone, everything, the entire world and the universe beyond.  

You'd done a lot do stupid stuff in your life. Of course you had. But back then you were a child. You didn't deserve any of that. 

  _Maybe._  

 

You don't make it to bed until gone midnight. The goodbyes take longer than you thought, drunk hugs and cheek kisses from those who have suddenly become your family and those few who were your family all along. Vic starts crying when you say goodbye, burying her face in your best jacket and saying that she's so glad that you're finally happy. You hold her close and tell her that yes, you are. You are so happy.

Your bedroom doesn't look any different. It's still the same bed you share with him. Still the same chest of draws where your clothes have become mixed up with his. Still the same window that illuminates his sleeping face every morning. But it feels different. More separate from the rest of the world. More yours and his. More like home.  

He pushes you back on the bed and explores the familiar terrain of your body like it's the first time. Your hands trace his spine while he bites the crook of your neck, not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to leave a mark that your fingers keep finding over the next few days as you try to become accustomed to being alone.  

By the time you're done he's exhausted. He drapes an arm across your bare chest and doesn't say a word beyond a slurred _I love you_ before he drifts off to sleep. You press your face into his hair and sigh, breathing him in as if it's the last time. It's going to be hard when he goes, but it'll be easier because now, in this moment, you feel okay. The shame you've spent years carrying no longer ways heavy on you, and the fear has dulled from a roaring inferno to a dancing flame. You know it'll never truly be quelled, but it's small enough that you can live with it. 

Today feels like an amen. It's not the end of anything. Because amen doesn't mean 'the end'. The hurt will never truly go away. That day, more than fifteen years ago now, will always be a part of you. Some days it'll be a bigger part of you than others. But it's okay, because you're okay. 

Amen means 'so be it.'

And if this is how things are going to be from now on, then amen indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on [tumblr](https://lastgoldsun.tumblr.com/)


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